she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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