can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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