Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
