If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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