That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
