Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize