i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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