im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
