Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
This is classic penis vs brain.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
