It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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