I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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