you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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