Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
