Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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