I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
