if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
