I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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