yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
