It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
