you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
