does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
