I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
