I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
