Don't make out with my wife yet
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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