Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
