I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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