i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
