That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You made out with two different species that night
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Randomize
