I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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