there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
