yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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