Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
