my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
