What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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