ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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