My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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