I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
