Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
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