He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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