Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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