How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
