eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
