youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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