I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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