john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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