loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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