Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
