You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Randomize
