new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
