I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
A bitchslap is in order.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
