just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
