I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
