you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
