At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize