I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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