You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
