So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
