Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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