Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize