I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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