I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
