the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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