My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Hippo gnu deer
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
